Texas cops... for the win.
Man Bursts Into Flames After Being Shot By A Taser Gun
Quote - 'Officers used the gun after the man had poured gasoline over himself.'
Quote - '"We don't know what ignited the fire," police said.'
You've gotta be kidding me.
Maybe next time they can "subdue the supsect by throwing lit matches at him in an effort to startle him." - (thanks to Mr. Fed for that great line)
This is the same state whose first female governor is reputed to have said "If English was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for Texas schoolchildren”
Wow.
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Friday, June 29, 2007
Sales Clerks - Where Do They Get These Guys?
I remembered this story after reading this thread over at the Octopus Overlords gaming forums.
I Walked into Electronics Boutique back in 2003 (nearly a year after the game Dungeon Siege was released, by Microsoft... which means a very wide release, it's important) and was browsing the PC games section, which was much larger back then. The store was very busy and there was a guy standing right in front of me browsing the same shelf.
A clerk came over and asked the man if he needed help finding something. The man asked if they had any copies of "Dungeon Siege". The clerk replied...
"I've never heard of it. We don't carry it."
I said, "Excuse me" and without moving my feet, reached between the clerk and the man to the shelf, where I pulled out one of their six copies of Dungeon Siege. I handed it to the man and said, "There you go." He thanked me and asked me if it was good. I gave him a quick review. The game is pretty and has a great soundtrack by Jeremy Soule and it's easy to get into. On the down side it almost plays itself and it gets boring and repetitive quite quickly. He said that sounded exactly like the light couple of hours of entertainment he was looking for, thanked me again and went over to the counter to buy it.
The clerk looked at me and said...
"Can I help you find something?"
I turned and walked out of the store.
If you work in retail sales, let me give you a bit of advice. Nobody cares whether you've "heard of it" or not. If you don't know, say "Let me look it up on the computer." or something. Anything. We didn't come to the store to hear your vaunted opinions on whether something exists or not and whether it's worth buying or not. We came to buy something. So shut up and sell it to us.
I went into an MDG computer store last year, with their flyer in my hand and the sales people swore up and down that the flyer was a misprint. They they had the nerve to tell me (I built my last computer from parts and my first job was as a sales clerk at Compucentre) that the PC I was interested in could not be connected to the Internet.
What? No seriously, what? I can connect my left sock to the Internet with the right equipment. Are these people on drugs?
I got the manager's attention and asked him about the flyer special and told him what I wanted. He refused to look at the flyer and said...
"I've never heard of that. We don't have that."
I turned around and walked out of the store.
I don't shop at Electronics Boutique or MDG any more. It's the fault of the sales clerks. And these stores wonder why they're losing customers to online retailers? Yes, I bought my last PC online. And it was a wonderful experience.
Nobody told me I couldn't connect my PC to the Internet.
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Next Story: It's Canada Day!
Previous Story: CIBC Lost My Bank Account
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I Walked into Electronics Boutique back in 2003 (nearly a year after the game Dungeon Siege was released, by Microsoft... which means a very wide release, it's important) and was browsing the PC games section, which was much larger back then. The store was very busy and there was a guy standing right in front of me browsing the same shelf.
A clerk came over and asked the man if he needed help finding something. The man asked if they had any copies of "Dungeon Siege". The clerk replied...
"I've never heard of it. We don't carry it."
I said, "Excuse me" and without moving my feet, reached between the clerk and the man to the shelf, where I pulled out one of their six copies of Dungeon Siege. I handed it to the man and said, "There you go." He thanked me and asked me if it was good. I gave him a quick review. The game is pretty and has a great soundtrack by Jeremy Soule and it's easy to get into. On the down side it almost plays itself and it gets boring and repetitive quite quickly. He said that sounded exactly like the light couple of hours of entertainment he was looking for, thanked me again and went over to the counter to buy it.
The clerk looked at me and said...
"Can I help you find something?"
I turned and walked out of the store.
If you work in retail sales, let me give you a bit of advice. Nobody cares whether you've "heard of it" or not. If you don't know, say "Let me look it up on the computer." or something. Anything. We didn't come to the store to hear your vaunted opinions on whether something exists or not and whether it's worth buying or not. We came to buy something. So shut up and sell it to us.
I went into an MDG computer store last year, with their flyer in my hand and the sales people swore up and down that the flyer was a misprint. They they had the nerve to tell me (I built my last computer from parts and my first job was as a sales clerk at Compucentre) that the PC I was interested in could not be connected to the Internet.
What? No seriously, what? I can connect my left sock to the Internet with the right equipment. Are these people on drugs?
I got the manager's attention and asked him about the flyer special and told him what I wanted. He refused to look at the flyer and said...
"I've never heard of that. We don't have that."
I turned around and walked out of the store.
I don't shop at Electronics Boutique or MDG any more. It's the fault of the sales clerks. And these stores wonder why they're losing customers to online retailers? Yes, I bought my last PC online. And it was a wonderful experience.
Nobody told me I couldn't connect my PC to the Internet.
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Next Story: It's Canada Day!
Previous Story: CIBC Lost My Bank Account
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Thursday, June 28, 2007
CIBC Lost My Bank Account
This story is so far out there, I won't be offended if you don't believe it. It happened to me and I still don't believe it.
I used to have multiple accounts at CIBC back when I became the sole owner of my tax business. My last partner left amicably, leaving all the clients for me. I can't imagine why I thought that was a good thing. Especially considering the caliber of some of my clients.
See EXHIBIT A and EXHIBIT B
I rest my case, Your Honour.
Anyway I had this one business account that I only used for depositing client cheques during the tax season. The account went dormant for six months of the year so I made arrangements with the nice lady who helped me set up the account. Normally an account that is dormant for that long is suspended and the customer is notified. We put a flag on the account indicating that it was not to be suspended due to inactivity. It worked fine for several years.
One year, at the beginning of tax season, I went in to the bank to check out my balances and get some cheques. This was just before online banking became the in thing, so I had to actually go into the bank. Yeah, the Stone Age, I know.
I handed the lady my ATM card for my personal account, we did our transactions and everything went smoothly. Then I handed the lady my ATM card for the business account and things turned south quickly.
"I'm sorry sir but there's no account attached to this card.", she told me, with a smile.
Must be a glitch in the card, I thought. So I pulled out a business cheque and handed it to her. She clicked some keys and entered the account information using the numbers on the cheque.
"I'm sorry sir but this account number is invalid.", she said, with a smile.
Not one to be put off so easily, I pulled out the original account sign-up paperwork which I conveniently kept in my tax bag. I handed it to her and she went to get the manager. Again, with a smile. After a very long discussion and a lot of computer wrangling, they both came over to me.
The manager said, "I'm sorry sir, but we have no record of you ever having a business account with CIBC, not at this or any other CIBC branch. Are you sure the account was here?"
Calmly, I handed her the business chequebook and showed here where it said "CIBC" on it and then I showed her that the account sign-up papers were official "CIBC" documents. I suggested that she contact the nice lady who had set up the account for me.
Eventually she came back and told me that the woman whose name was on the account paperwork no longer worked for CIBC and that her records were "unavailable". Since there was no record in their paperwork or in their computer of the account, it must not have existed. The paperwork and cheques I had were irrelevant. Was there anything I she could help me with before I left?
I asked if an investigation could be launched and she explained that without proof on their end that there had ever been an account, no investigation would be undertaken.
"Have a nice day, sir."
I was staggered.
I did the only thing I could think of to do. I went over to T.D. Canada Trust and opened a new account over there. On the up side, there hadn't been an real money in the account when it disappeared.
"CIBC... If We Lose Your Account, It's Not Our Fault!"
Banks.
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Next Story: Sales Clerks - Where Do They Get These Guys?
Previous Story: Even The Dog Won't Eat It
-----
I used to have multiple accounts at CIBC back when I became the sole owner of my tax business. My last partner left amicably, leaving all the clients for me. I can't imagine why I thought that was a good thing. Especially considering the caliber of some of my clients.
See EXHIBIT A and EXHIBIT B
I rest my case, Your Honour.
Anyway I had this one business account that I only used for depositing client cheques during the tax season. The account went dormant for six months of the year so I made arrangements with the nice lady who helped me set up the account. Normally an account that is dormant for that long is suspended and the customer is notified. We put a flag on the account indicating that it was not to be suspended due to inactivity. It worked fine for several years.
One year, at the beginning of tax season, I went in to the bank to check out my balances and get some cheques. This was just before online banking became the in thing, so I had to actually go into the bank. Yeah, the Stone Age, I know.
I handed the lady my ATM card for my personal account, we did our transactions and everything went smoothly. Then I handed the lady my ATM card for the business account and things turned south quickly.
"I'm sorry sir but there's no account attached to this card.", she told me, with a smile.
Must be a glitch in the card, I thought. So I pulled out a business cheque and handed it to her. She clicked some keys and entered the account information using the numbers on the cheque.
"I'm sorry sir but this account number is invalid.", she said, with a smile.
Not one to be put off so easily, I pulled out the original account sign-up paperwork which I conveniently kept in my tax bag. I handed it to her and she went to get the manager. Again, with a smile. After a very long discussion and a lot of computer wrangling, they both came over to me.
The manager said, "I'm sorry sir, but we have no record of you ever having a business account with CIBC, not at this or any other CIBC branch. Are you sure the account was here?"
Calmly, I handed her the business chequebook and showed here where it said "CIBC" on it and then I showed her that the account sign-up papers were official "CIBC" documents. I suggested that she contact the nice lady who had set up the account for me.
Eventually she came back and told me that the woman whose name was on the account paperwork no longer worked for CIBC and that her records were "unavailable". Since there was no record in their paperwork or in their computer of the account, it must not have existed. The paperwork and cheques I had were irrelevant. Was there anything I she could help me with before I left?
I asked if an investigation could be launched and she explained that without proof on their end that there had ever been an account, no investigation would be undertaken.
"Have a nice day, sir."
I was staggered.
I did the only thing I could think of to do. I went over to T.D. Canada Trust and opened a new account over there. On the up side, there hadn't been an real money in the account when it disappeared.
"CIBC... If We Lose Your Account, It's Not Our Fault!"
Banks.
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Next Story: Sales Clerks - Where Do They Get These Guys?
Previous Story: Even The Dog Won't Eat It
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Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Even The Dog Won't Eat It
Not long after the incident with the roast beef, Frodo had an experience that I'm usre he's never forgotten. I brought home some sushi for mom and I, and among the wonderful bits and goodies was some eel. Neither of us like eel. For some reason every sushi tray seems to include a piece of smelly eel. No one knows why. Not even Frodo.
He was dancing around the kitchen following the amazing smells coming off our sushi tray; tuna, salmon, wasabi, soy sauce. He was getting a little crazy. While I was trying to avoid him I accidentally dropped the container with the bits we didn't like in it. Included in those bits was a hunk of raw eel. The hunk of eel shot out of the little styrofoam container and landed on the floor right in front of Frodo, alias "Shop Vac". He inhaled the hunk of eel less than a second after it landed.
He froze, and then did something we have never seen him do before (or since). He spit it out. Keep in mind this is a creature that eats its own feces. He didn't spit out the tomato, the sock, the branch, the kleenex box or the eucalyptus leaves. We had to deal with the ugly aftermath of each one of those. Incredibly the tomato was the worst. It gave him the runs. Every ten minutes. For four days.
But the eel he spit out? You have to wonder what business we have eating something that even a dog won't eat.
Interestingly, Mom dropped one of her pills the other day. Frodo teleported from wherever he'd been hiding to the pill and gave it a sniff. I guess the smell of mouldly skunk and burning vomit was too much for him. He ran away from the awful smelling thing. (For those who think I am exaggerating the drug is called Cyclosporine and it's made from fungus.)
But you have to wonder. I mean, even the dog won't eat it?
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Next Story: CIBC Lost My Bank Account
Previous Story: Roast Beef Is Not For Puppies
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He was dancing around the kitchen following the amazing smells coming off our sushi tray; tuna, salmon, wasabi, soy sauce. He was getting a little crazy. While I was trying to avoid him I accidentally dropped the container with the bits we didn't like in it. Included in those bits was a hunk of raw eel. The hunk of eel shot out of the little styrofoam container and landed on the floor right in front of Frodo, alias "Shop Vac". He inhaled the hunk of eel less than a second after it landed.
He froze, and then did something we have never seen him do before (or since). He spit it out. Keep in mind this is a creature that eats its own feces. He didn't spit out the tomato, the sock, the branch, the kleenex box or the eucalyptus leaves. We had to deal with the ugly aftermath of each one of those. Incredibly the tomato was the worst. It gave him the runs. Every ten minutes. For four days.
But the eel he spit out? You have to wonder what business we have eating something that even a dog won't eat.
Interestingly, Mom dropped one of her pills the other day. Frodo teleported from wherever he'd been hiding to the pill and gave it a sniff. I guess the smell of mouldly skunk and burning vomit was too much for him. He ran away from the awful smelling thing. (For those who think I am exaggerating the drug is called Cyclosporine and it's made from fungus.)
But you have to wonder. I mean, even the dog won't eat it?
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Previous Story: Roast Beef Is Not For Puppies
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Monday, June 25, 2007
Roast Beef is Not For Puppies
I'll never forget the moment I first laid eyes on Frodo. Mom and I went out to the breeder in the country, to meet "puppy", an eight week old white Bull Terrier. The breeder told us that "puppy" was in the garage. She opened the door and I stepped in first. In the middle of the garage was a giant green bag of dog food. Sticking out of the hole in the top of the bag was a small white bum and a tail whipping back and forth. He'd found the mother lode.
The second thing Frodo did, after the breeder had pulled him out of the bag and set him on the garage floor, was pee indignantly. Then he wandered off to play with "Hammer", the breeder's massive German Shepherd. Hammer jumped in the pond. Frodo stood at the edge and glared at the water. Only after realizing that he couldn't reach Hammer without getting wet, did he turn his attention to us.
In those first moments, he made his priorities clear. Food, peeing, other dogs, then people. After 11 years his pattern hasn't changed. Neither has his taste in food.
His first experience with a roast beef was nearly his last. Dad pulled the juicy cross rib roast out of the roasting pan and set it reverently on the large cutting board on the counter. For some reason, Dad left the kitchen for a few seconds. When we went back in we heard a grief-stricken scream. I ran into the kitchen and saw that Frodo had pulled the entire roast off the cutting board and onto the floor and was digging in.
Dad doesn't usually charge. He's quite big and slow so charging isn't in his repertoire. But that day, he charged. His battle cry would have shamed a Scottish Warlord. Frodo looked up in terror and dropped the roast. Dad snarled something about killing and death and maiming and dogs of questionable parentage and breaking and smashing and beating. Frodo ran and hid under Mom's desk, out of reach.
It's hard watching a parent cry, but my dad wept as he solemnly carried the mangled roast beef to the trash. Later, when Frodo dared to show his face, my father explained loudly to him that "roast beef is not for puppies!" I would have laughed out loud if Dad hadn't been so upset.
Frodo has never stolen a roast beef again. I can't imagine why.
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Next Story: Even The Dog Won't Eat It
Previous Post: Sometimes The Funny Just Isn't There
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The second thing Frodo did, after the breeder had pulled him out of the bag and set him on the garage floor, was pee indignantly. Then he wandered off to play with "Hammer", the breeder's massive German Shepherd. Hammer jumped in the pond. Frodo stood at the edge and glared at the water. Only after realizing that he couldn't reach Hammer without getting wet, did he turn his attention to us.
In those first moments, he made his priorities clear. Food, peeing, other dogs, then people. After 11 years his pattern hasn't changed. Neither has his taste in food.
His first experience with a roast beef was nearly his last. Dad pulled the juicy cross rib roast out of the roasting pan and set it reverently on the large cutting board on the counter. For some reason, Dad left the kitchen for a few seconds. When we went back in we heard a grief-stricken scream. I ran into the kitchen and saw that Frodo had pulled the entire roast off the cutting board and onto the floor and was digging in.
Dad doesn't usually charge. He's quite big and slow so charging isn't in his repertoire. But that day, he charged. His battle cry would have shamed a Scottish Warlord. Frodo looked up in terror and dropped the roast. Dad snarled something about killing and death and maiming and dogs of questionable parentage and breaking and smashing and beating. Frodo ran and hid under Mom's desk, out of reach.
It's hard watching a parent cry, but my dad wept as he solemnly carried the mangled roast beef to the trash. Later, when Frodo dared to show his face, my father explained loudly to him that "roast beef is not for puppies!" I would have laughed out loud if Dad hadn't been so upset.
Frodo has never stolen a roast beef again. I can't imagine why.
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Next Story: Even The Dog Won't Eat It
Previous Post: Sometimes The Funny Just Isn't There
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Thursday, June 21, 2007
Sometimes the Funny Just Isn't There
I'm sitting here, looking at my cheat sheet of funny story material and none of it seems funny to me. A week ago half of these topics would have made me laugh out loud just thinking about them, but this week I just can't find the funny. It's like my imagination is broken or something.
Don't get me wrong, I don't have writer's block. I think writer's block is about as real as Santa Claus. Either you can write or you can't. If you can, it doesn't turn off. There's no handle on the creative faucet. I can write, I just don't find anything funny right now. I could go on all day about serious stuff right now, but the funny just isn't coming.
So one night a rabbi, a lawyer and a camel walk into a bar...
See? Imaginative, yes. Funny, no.
Off-topic: Last night I was talking to Dan of "Even the Fish Couldn't Stand the Smell" fame. He went fishing last week and he was reminiscing about our famous fishing trip together. He's a very big man now (he works in construction) and he told me how he was the biggest guy in the boat. This brought back memories of my dad in the boat, sitting near the outboard, the back end of the boat dangerously low in the water, the bow sticking up into the air.
I remember one morning when I'd refused to go out with Dan, James and my Dad in the boat because it was going to rain something fierce. They were mighty hunters who didn't fear a little rain. They went anyway. So of course, as soon as they were as far away from shore as they could get without leaving the Province, a monsoon started. I waited and watched. Soon their little boat appeared. My dad sat in his position at the back, the back end mere inches above the waterline. James and Dan sat miserably in the middle, bailing for dear life. The boat looked like a bathtub. The rain pounded down on them mercilessly. I stood, dry and warm in the cabin doorway and laughed at them the entire time.
I guess that day, the funny was there.
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Next Story: Roast Beef Is Not For Puppies
Previous Story: Sorry Buddy
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Don't get me wrong, I don't have writer's block. I think writer's block is about as real as Santa Claus. Either you can write or you can't. If you can, it doesn't turn off. There's no handle on the creative faucet. I can write, I just don't find anything funny right now. I could go on all day about serious stuff right now, but the funny just isn't coming.
So one night a rabbi, a lawyer and a camel walk into a bar...
See? Imaginative, yes. Funny, no.
Off-topic: Last night I was talking to Dan of "Even the Fish Couldn't Stand the Smell" fame. He went fishing last week and he was reminiscing about our famous fishing trip together. He's a very big man now (he works in construction) and he told me how he was the biggest guy in the boat. This brought back memories of my dad in the boat, sitting near the outboard, the back end of the boat dangerously low in the water, the bow sticking up into the air.
I remember one morning when I'd refused to go out with Dan, James and my Dad in the boat because it was going to rain something fierce. They were mighty hunters who didn't fear a little rain. They went anyway. So of course, as soon as they were as far away from shore as they could get without leaving the Province, a monsoon started. I waited and watched. Soon their little boat appeared. My dad sat in his position at the back, the back end mere inches above the waterline. James and Dan sat miserably in the middle, bailing for dear life. The boat looked like a bathtub. The rain pounded down on them mercilessly. I stood, dry and warm in the cabin doorway and laughed at them the entire time.
I guess that day, the funny was there.
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Next Story: Roast Beef Is Not For Puppies
Previous Story: Sorry Buddy
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