If Animals Could Talk It Would Be Scary

No, really.

I was thinking about If Animals Could Talk To Me and it occurred to me that if animals could really talk, they'd probably tell us off. Think about all the trouble we've caused them.

Like my friend Travis' cat, "Mio". Of course we mercilessly call it "Neo" which upsets Travis' wife and then we don't get invited back for a while... ahem. One time while we were playing Settlers of Catan, Jeff decided to pick up Mio and rub his anal glands on my head, like a roll-on deodorant. Obviously I didn't enjoy the experience and I said so. Now imagine if Mio could talk. What would he have to say about being used in such a humiliating way?

I'm sure it would involve language that would get this blog marked as Not Suitable For Work. He's a cat, they can kill with a glance. A talking cat would be too dangerous to live.

On the other hand, imagine if dogs could talk. Imagine how many biting incidents could be avoided if a dog could say, "Excuse me but if you keep poking me with that stick, I'm going to shove it up your ass."

It reminds me of this demented hungarian dog my grandparents used to have when they lived out on the farm. Grandpa used to kick and beat the dog, so by the time us kids showed up it was pretty much ready for the kill. We used to dread the run from the car to the house. Of course one time, right there with my dad standing next to me the dog decided he'd had enough. I was the closest and smallest target. He rushed me, so I turned and he clamped his jaw firmly on my bum.

If you've ever had a slavering, insane dog clamped to your bum, then you know true terror. I had to lay on the dining room table while everyone looked at the bites on my bum and my wounds were cleaned. Yay for iodine on the bum.

My point is, the whole thing could have been avoided if the poor dog could have expressed itself with words. Although I suppose, it expressed itself just fine. After all, I did get the point.

Right in my bum.

Sigh.

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