Ahh, high school.
Some of us lived far enough away from our school that we took the city bus every day. There'd be a whole gaggle of us noisy, rowdy kids waiting for the extra buses the city put on the route.
Actually that reminds me of one of the most offensive things I have ever seen a bus driver do. The bus was late, and I don't mean by five minutes. For some reason we'd waited almost half an hour for the bus to arrive. The bus driver was a lady I'd never seen before. At the first main street an elderly man got on the bus and used a transfer. The transfer ticket was expired by about two minutes. The bus driver told the man he'd have to pay cash, use a ticket or get off.
He refused. He claimed that he'd been waiting at least twenty minutes for the bus and that it was her problem because she was late. She snarled, "We run a ten minute bus service! Pay or get off!" Several of us came forward and told the bus lady that we rode that bus every day and she was in fact between twenty and thirty minutes late and that the gentleman was not trying to stiff her. She stopped the bus and screamed at us to sit down and shut up or she'd throw us off the bus.
We sat down and shut up. The gentleman decided to handle things diplomatically and paid cash for his fare. Problem solved. Or not. He sat up at the front and continued talking to the bus driver, insisting that she was being unreasonable and unprofessional. He asked her for her driver I.D. number.
She freaked. She stopped the bus, opened the door and screamed at him to get off the bus or she'd call the police and have him arrested for assault. Everyone else on the bus was too scared to do anything so we just sat quietly and waited. The gentleman picked up his cane and calmly got off the bus. We spent the rest of our bus ride in stunned silence.
We never saw that bus driver again. Thank goodness.
But I was going to tell you about the time I almost got run over by a bus.
The usual crew after school was waiting for the bus. Included in the crew was Sara Gale. I happened to be standing next to her and noticed that her lip looked different that it had the day before. I thought about it for a while until it hit me. Of course I was too stupid to keep it to myself. Just as the bus was coming I asked her loudly, "Hey, did you shave your upper lip?"
Oh boy.
The next thing I knew I was on my back in the middle of the road, my glasses were broken and the bus brakes were squealing. The bumper shadow stopped just over my head. Apparently she'd punched me right in face and sent me sprawling into the path of the "yellow peril".
For the record, it was my fault and I was entirely in the wrong and I deserved worse than I got.
Sheesh.
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Next Story: Frodo and the Old Nazi
Previous Story: The Time I Almost Died
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Friday, June 8, 2007
Thursday, June 7, 2007
The Time I Almost Died
To quote a Denzel Washington movie I really shouldn't have watched or even know about, "I want to tell you about the time I almost died."
It was in high school, so of course it involves a nerd. But not just any nerd. As someone famous once said, "Some people are born nerds, some acheive nerdhood, and others have nerdiness thrust upon them." Chris Mclean was born clutching a pocket protector. He was a king among nerds. He had the uncontrollable acne, the mad scientist hair, and wore the same two pairs of pants (one white, one blue) every day for the entire four years of high school.
To top it off, he was insanely smart. His IQ was out there in Einstein land. Don't get me wrong, I was a nerd in high school, that's why Mclean and I ended up together in the "gifted program". But I was an amateur nerd compared to him. If my sources are correct he's now Dr. Mclean, Professor of Physics at McMaster University. If Canada ever runs a Manhattan Project, I'm sure he'll be the first scientist they call.
But back then we were just goofy teenagers with no idea in hell about anything in the real world. Chris and I, we lived in our heads. He lived in a world of particles and waves, I lived in a world of language and drama. So of course, in order to draw attention away from my own nerdiness, I bullied him mercilessly. Sad really, but what can I say, I was an idiot back then.
One of my favorite pastimes was throwing his gymbag out the window. He had this huge blue gymbag with a metric ton of books in it, so it made a very satisfying dent in the grass when it landed, especially when tossed from the second floor. Not only would he explode in a spectacularly entertaining way, but if I was lucky, some teacher on a lower floor would notice and call the Principal's office, starting an investigation that would eat up at least half an hour of boring "learning" time. If I was tremendously lucky, I would become the center of attention for the rest of the day, sitting in a desk in the hallway or outside the Principal's office, gleefully explaining why I was there to every passerby, the story growing wierder and crazier with each telling. Ahh... high school.
Anyway I was going to tell you about the time I almost died. Once at the end of the day, Chris Mclean, Rob Williams, Chris Traini and I happened to leave by the same door at the same time. Rob and Mclean were buddies and Chris T. (as we called him, I'm sure you can see the pun there) wanted to see if Mclean was going to lose it, since I'd been harrassing him all day. Of course, Chris T. kept to a minimum safe distance.
Mclean loudly declared, "Fuhringer! Get lost right now, I am not up to dealing with you." Everyone stopped to see what I would do. I walked up to Mclean and shouted, "Gee-chee!" while poking him in the belly. High comedy. He turned purple. "Fuhringer! If you touch me again, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!" Chris T and Rob started backing away and giggling nervously.
There was no way I could resist. I very slowly and gently poked him in the belly and quietly asked, "Gee-chee?"
Unlike Captain Kirk's "KHAAAN!" shout, Mclean's scream could in fact be heard in space. His face twisted into a rictus, he dropped his gymbag and he charged. What choice did I have? I ran. With Rob shouting, "RUN!" and Chris T. lauhghing his guts out at my imnpending doom, Mclean hurled himself after me across the field, his fists flailing inches behind my head. He caught the back of my shirt and started reeling me in. I was dead meat.
Until he slipped on a patch of wet grass and fell. I am alive today to tell this story only because of bit of moisture and some bad sneaker tread.
And because I kept running.
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Next Story: The Time I Almost Got Run Over by a Bus
Previous Story: If Animals Could Talk It Would Be Scary
-----
It was in high school, so of course it involves a nerd. But not just any nerd. As someone famous once said, "Some people are born nerds, some acheive nerdhood, and others have nerdiness thrust upon them." Chris Mclean was born clutching a pocket protector. He was a king among nerds. He had the uncontrollable acne, the mad scientist hair, and wore the same two pairs of pants (one white, one blue) every day for the entire four years of high school.
To top it off, he was insanely smart. His IQ was out there in Einstein land. Don't get me wrong, I was a nerd in high school, that's why Mclean and I ended up together in the "gifted program". But I was an amateur nerd compared to him. If my sources are correct he's now Dr. Mclean, Professor of Physics at McMaster University. If Canada ever runs a Manhattan Project, I'm sure he'll be the first scientist they call.
But back then we were just goofy teenagers with no idea in hell about anything in the real world. Chris and I, we lived in our heads. He lived in a world of particles and waves, I lived in a world of language and drama. So of course, in order to draw attention away from my own nerdiness, I bullied him mercilessly. Sad really, but what can I say, I was an idiot back then.
One of my favorite pastimes was throwing his gymbag out the window. He had this huge blue gymbag with a metric ton of books in it, so it made a very satisfying dent in the grass when it landed, especially when tossed from the second floor. Not only would he explode in a spectacularly entertaining way, but if I was lucky, some teacher on a lower floor would notice and call the Principal's office, starting an investigation that would eat up at least half an hour of boring "learning" time. If I was tremendously lucky, I would become the center of attention for the rest of the day, sitting in a desk in the hallway or outside the Principal's office, gleefully explaining why I was there to every passerby, the story growing wierder and crazier with each telling. Ahh... high school.
Anyway I was going to tell you about the time I almost died. Once at the end of the day, Chris Mclean, Rob Williams, Chris Traini and I happened to leave by the same door at the same time. Rob and Mclean were buddies and Chris T. (as we called him, I'm sure you can see the pun there) wanted to see if Mclean was going to lose it, since I'd been harrassing him all day. Of course, Chris T. kept to a minimum safe distance.
Mclean loudly declared, "Fuhringer! Get lost right now, I am not up to dealing with you." Everyone stopped to see what I would do. I walked up to Mclean and shouted, "Gee-chee!" while poking him in the belly. High comedy. He turned purple. "Fuhringer! If you touch me again, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!" Chris T and Rob started backing away and giggling nervously.
There was no way I could resist. I very slowly and gently poked him in the belly and quietly asked, "Gee-chee?"
Unlike Captain Kirk's "KHAAAN!" shout, Mclean's scream could in fact be heard in space. His face twisted into a rictus, he dropped his gymbag and he charged. What choice did I have? I ran. With Rob shouting, "RUN!" and Chris T. lauhghing his guts out at my imnpending doom, Mclean hurled himself after me across the field, his fists flailing inches behind my head. He caught the back of my shirt and started reeling me in. I was dead meat.
Until he slipped on a patch of wet grass and fell. I am alive today to tell this story only because of bit of moisture and some bad sneaker tread.
And because I kept running.
-----
Next Story: The Time I Almost Got Run Over by a Bus
Previous Story: If Animals Could Talk It Would Be Scary
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The Best Thrill Ride Ever
This news item is awesome and wrong, hilarious and horrifying. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you The Best Thrill Ride Ever. Words just aren't adequate, so here's a picture.
Yes, that's a guy in a wheelchair, jammed in the front grill of a semi truck.
On the highway.
Going 50 miles per hour.
Quote - "Calls began pouring in to the Paw Paw post of the Michigan State Police around 4:00 p.m. The first call came in with a woman telling dispatchers, "You are not going to believe this, there is a semi- truck pushing a guy in a wheel chair on Red Arrow Highway!""
I am in awe of this guy. He now has the best campfire story ever.
Quote - "Police say the 21-year-old man was un-harmed and unfazed by the incident. The young man was quoted as saying, "It was quite a ride.""
This guy is a master of understatement.
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Next News: "We Don't Know What Ignited The Fire" Police Said
Previous News: Blogger.com has no Sense of Humour
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Yes, that's a guy in a wheelchair, jammed in the front grill of a semi truck.
On the highway.
Going 50 miles per hour.
Quote - "Calls began pouring in to the Paw Paw post of the Michigan State Police around 4:00 p.m. The first call came in with a woman telling dispatchers, "You are not going to believe this, there is a semi- truck pushing a guy in a wheel chair on Red Arrow Highway!""
I am in awe of this guy. He now has the best campfire story ever.
Quote - "Police say the 21-year-old man was un-harmed and unfazed by the incident. The young man was quoted as saying, "It was quite a ride.""
This guy is a master of understatement.
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Next News: "We Don't Know What Ignited The Fire" Police Said
Previous News: Blogger.com has no Sense of Humour
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Wednesday, June 6, 2007
If Animals Could Talk It Would Be Scary
No, really.
I was thinking about If Animals Could Talk To Me and it occurred to me that if animals could really talk, they'd probably tell us off. Think about all the trouble we've caused them.
Like my friend Travis' cat, "Mio". Of course we mercilessly call it "Neo" which upsets Travis' wife and then we don't get invited back for a while... ahem. One time while we were playing Settlers of Catan, Jeff decided to pick up Mio and rub his anal glands on my head, like a roll-on deodorant. Obviously I didn't enjoy the experience and I said so. Now imagine if Mio could talk. What would he have to say about being used in such a humiliating way?
I'm sure it would involve language that would get this blog marked as Not Suitable For Work. He's a cat, they can kill with a glance. A talking cat would be too dangerous to live.
On the other hand, imagine if dogs could talk. Imagine how many biting incidents could be avoided if a dog could say, "Excuse me but if you keep poking me with that stick, I'm going to shove it up your ass."
It reminds me of this demented hungarian dog my grandparents used to have when they lived out on the farm. Grandpa used to kick and beat the dog, so by the time us kids showed up it was pretty much ready for the kill. We used to dread the run from the car to the house. Of course one time, right there with my dad standing next to me the dog decided he'd had enough. I was the closest and smallest target. He rushed me, so I turned and he clamped his jaw firmly on my bum.
If you've ever had a slavering, insane dog clamped to your bum, then you know true terror. I had to lay on the dining room table while everyone looked at the bites on my bum and my wounds were cleaned. Yay for iodine on the bum.
My point is, the whole thing could have been avoided if the poor dog could have expressed itself with words. Although I suppose, it expressed itself just fine. After all, I did get the point.
Right in my bum.
Sigh.
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Next Post: The Time I Almost Died
Previous Story: If The Animals Could Talk To Me
-----
I was thinking about If Animals Could Talk To Me and it occurred to me that if animals could really talk, they'd probably tell us off. Think about all the trouble we've caused them.
Like my friend Travis' cat, "Mio". Of course we mercilessly call it "Neo" which upsets Travis' wife and then we don't get invited back for a while... ahem. One time while we were playing Settlers of Catan, Jeff decided to pick up Mio and rub his anal glands on my head, like a roll-on deodorant. Obviously I didn't enjoy the experience and I said so. Now imagine if Mio could talk. What would he have to say about being used in such a humiliating way?
I'm sure it would involve language that would get this blog marked as Not Suitable For Work. He's a cat, they can kill with a glance. A talking cat would be too dangerous to live.
On the other hand, imagine if dogs could talk. Imagine how many biting incidents could be avoided if a dog could say, "Excuse me but if you keep poking me with that stick, I'm going to shove it up your ass."
It reminds me of this demented hungarian dog my grandparents used to have when they lived out on the farm. Grandpa used to kick and beat the dog, so by the time us kids showed up it was pretty much ready for the kill. We used to dread the run from the car to the house. Of course one time, right there with my dad standing next to me the dog decided he'd had enough. I was the closest and smallest target. He rushed me, so I turned and he clamped his jaw firmly on my bum.
If you've ever had a slavering, insane dog clamped to your bum, then you know true terror. I had to lay on the dining room table while everyone looked at the bites on my bum and my wounds were cleaned. Yay for iodine on the bum.
My point is, the whole thing could have been avoided if the poor dog could have expressed itself with words. Although I suppose, it expressed itself just fine. After all, I did get the point.
Right in my bum.
Sigh.
-----
Next Post: The Time I Almost Died
Previous Story: If The Animals Could Talk To Me
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blogger.com has no sense of humour
Blogger bots have no sense of humour. For five days this blog was locked by blogger.com. The spam bots declared 'Popular Fiction' to be a spam blog. Apparently the bots didn't appreciate my brand of humour. Eventually a real person looked at the blog and unlocked it. I'm sorry I was unable to post, but things are back to normal now. Thank you for your patience and I hope you continue to enjoy reading 'Popular Fiction'... as long as the bots leave me alone.
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Next News: The Best Thrill Ride Ever
Previous News: Vote For May's Post of the Month
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Next News: The Best Thrill Ride Ever
Previous News: Vote For May's Post of the Month
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Friday, June 1, 2007
Vote For May's Post of the Month
It's June, so it's time to pick your favorite story from last month. Please post a comment stating which story you enjoyed the most. For your convenience, here's a list of all of May's stories.
I Thought I Had The Radiation Sickness
It's Not On My Resume But I Am a Skilled Pyromaniac
Nothings Wrong, I'm Just Watering The Patio
The Conclusion of the Fire Trilogy (For Now)
They Don't Call it the Chemistry "Final" For Nothing
If I Could Talk to the Animals
Electricity is Dangerous - Shocking Details Follow
Things That Go "Bonk, Smash, Ouch!" in the Night
The Top Five Fuhringer Family Fishing Trip Disasters
Everybody Wants to be Famous
Pillar of Fire - It Runs in the Family
Adventures in Cuba - The Bus Driver From Hell
I've Got a Rip in My Pants Again
That's Not How We Use Our Crayons
They Called Me "Ink Mouth"
Squirrels Aren't Stupid, They're Just Thrill Seekers
More Squirrel Madness - Indoor Rodent Sports
My Dad Could Mess Up 'Shake 'n Bake'
Barbecue Tips For the Insane
Communication - The Keep Two a Shabbly Family Live
Window Cleaning With George - Episode One
Window Cleaning Again, Now With More Golf
Golf - With My Mom
The Only Patch of Ice in the Entire Parking Lot
The Only Banana Peel in the Entire Valley
The Password is 'IMARETARD'
If the Animals Could Talk to Me
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Back to the Main Page
Next News: Blogger.com Has no Sense of Humour
Previous News: Popular Fiction Hits Technorati Top 100,000
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I Thought I Had The Radiation Sickness
It's Not On My Resume But I Am a Skilled Pyromaniac
Nothings Wrong, I'm Just Watering The Patio
The Conclusion of the Fire Trilogy (For Now)
They Don't Call it the Chemistry "Final" For Nothing
If I Could Talk to the Animals
Electricity is Dangerous - Shocking Details Follow
Things That Go "Bonk, Smash, Ouch!" in the Night
The Top Five Fuhringer Family Fishing Trip Disasters
Everybody Wants to be Famous
Pillar of Fire - It Runs in the Family
Adventures in Cuba - The Bus Driver From Hell
I've Got a Rip in My Pants Again
That's Not How We Use Our Crayons
They Called Me "Ink Mouth"
Squirrels Aren't Stupid, They're Just Thrill Seekers
More Squirrel Madness - Indoor Rodent Sports
My Dad Could Mess Up 'Shake 'n Bake'
Barbecue Tips For the Insane
Communication - The Keep Two a Shabbly Family Live
Window Cleaning With George - Episode One
Window Cleaning Again, Now With More Golf
Golf - With My Mom
The Only Patch of Ice in the Entire Parking Lot
The Only Banana Peel in the Entire Valley
The Password is 'IMARETARD'
If the Animals Could Talk to Me
-----
Back to the Main Page
Next News: Blogger.com Has no Sense of Humour
Previous News: Popular Fiction Hits Technorati Top 100,000
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