If I Could Talk to the Animals

Actually I do talk to the animals, but they generally ignore me. Unless I'm holding a bag of Cheetos, then I'm their new best friend.

I've met some fascinating creatures including snakes, stingrays, moose and polar bears. I also met a sea urchin, but that was unpleasant. Oh yeah, I met some bats once too. Ironically, the wild animals and I usually get along. It's the domestic animals that give me grief.

Like the dog that treated me to the most disturbing physical sensation I have ever experienced. One time while delivering pizza the customer's young golden retriever decided it wanted something I'd eaten recently and stuck its entire tongue in my mouth and down my throat. Imagine swallowing hot bristly baloney coated in syrup. Or don't imagine it, it was awfully gross. Silly dog.

Then there were the cows. I love cows, they are as friendly and affectionate as dogs. Recently I went out to Liana's dads place and saw his cows. They were all inside that day, but they came over to see me. The bull came first, sniffed me, then reared back in panic. The cows were upset by this and took off. Yay stampede. Then I remembered that I own a dog and his scent was on my pants. Not just any dog mind you, an English Bull Terrier. Yeah, the one dog cattle are most afraid of. So I go marching up to them smelling like their mortal enemy and I was surprised when they panicked. Brilliant.

But it's the birds that really make me mad. How can anything be that cheerful at 4:45 am? Why do they choose my window ledge for their concert hall? One time when they were tuning up I actually got out of bed, opened my window and glared at them. They looked at me as if to say, "What? We're practising here." and refused to vacate the ledge. I don't know how, but they seem to know that I'm harmless. They won't even cross the fence line of our psychotic neighbour, but they'll line up on my bedroom window ledge.

As I was typing that last paragraph, my psychotic neigbour's dog Monty made a suicidal dash for freedom and ran towards the street. My neighbour just screamed right under my window. Poor quivering, spastic little Monty. Some day he'll be truly free and our neighbour will have to scream about something else.

On the bright side, all the noisy birds just took off. Go neighbour!
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