Shortly after I started working at Gino's Pizza, the woman I worked with (who ended up marrying my best friend) turned to me and asked me a question. Whatever she asked was lost forever beneath the exhaust noise from the oven, the ringing phones and the sounds of traffic from outside. I looked at her and said, "Did you just say 'Do you have poop in your bed?'" She started howling and that was the end of getting any real work done that day.
Now when we meet, instead of asking each other "How are you?" (which is a really dumb thing to ask, especially if you don't want a real answer) we ask "Do you have poop in your bed?" It's a much more interesting conversation starter.
Every time I think of that it reminds me of the incident my cousin James calls "The Funniest Thing Ever". When my English Bull Terrier, Frodo was just a little puppy, we put him on my bed so we could keep an eye on him while we played "Daggerfall" on my PC. So of course we lost track of time somewhere in the depths of Scourg Barrow, searching for the King of Worms (but that's another story) and Frodo suddenly decided he'd had enough of being ignored.
For those of you who aren't familiar with bull terriers, let me explain. Calling the breed "willful" or "stubborn" is like calling President Bush a "moron" or an "idiot". Those simple words fail to convey the full flavour and scope of stupidity he's capable of. (or in the case of Frodo, the Bull-headedness he's capable of.) To those who object to my categorizing the President of the United States of America using such terms, I present to you my favorite Bush Quote.
During a ceremony at the Rose Garden, in response to criticism about Donald Rumsfeld's continued status as Secretary of Defense, George W. Bush on camera said the following...
"I'm the decider and I decide what's best."
So Frodo came over to the corner of my bed nearest where we were sitting, hunkered down and started dispensing a thin spiral of brown soft-serve that bore a freakish resemblance to a DQ Peanut Buster Parfait. My cousin noticed first, but he thought it would be funnier if he didn't warn me that my dog was defecating on my BED! I looked up and said, "It smells like shit in here." at which point he lost it and started laughing so hard he was in tears.
I realized what was happening just as Frodo squeezed off the last little curl on the pile, gave me a look of total innocence and wagged his tail, happy that I was finally paying attention to him.
Thank god for Febreeze.
Tomorrow: "When the Crazy Person on the Bus, is YOU!"
P.S. I never did get to the part about my grandfather and his copious flatulence. Sorry about that, but toilet humour two days in a row is (really very funny) somewhat excessive so I'll get to it after tomorrow's post.
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