Saturday, April 21, 2007

Indecent Exposure in the Hospital Cafeteria

I used to work at a hospital as a security guard. One of the guys I worked with was named Mel. One time when we were working the night shift together, he asked who was in charge of organizing an upcoming event. I told him, and his reply was, "What? Those two foul-ups couldn't successfully organize a two-cart parade!" Classic.

So one time Mel and I were sitting around between patrols, filling out paperwork. We got a call for assistance. The switchboard operator told us there was a report of someone exposing themselves in the cafeteria. Mel and I just looked at each other and shook our heads. We had no choice but to respond.

We arrived in the cafeteria to find Hugh, a very tall, very loud patient from the psych ward arguing with a very small, very quiet cafeteria lady who looked like she was long past ready to go home.

We talked Hugh down for a minute and got him to step out of the cafeteria. He was very upset. He explained that he hadn't been able to find a washroom anywhere in or near the cafeteria, so he'd unzipped his pants and tried to urinate against the cafeteria wall. Apparently the bad cafeteria lady stopped him.

How dare she?

We explained that he wasn't allowed to pee in the cafeteria and would have to go up one floor to the public washrooms or else use the washroom back at the ward. He complained loudly that it was insane for the hospital to have no public washrooms anywhere on the same level as the cafeteria. We told him he was right, it was insane. He demanded that we tell administration to build some urinals against one wall of the cafeteria. We told him that we would dutifully note his suggestion in our logs but that administration was unlikely to see his point of view anytime soon.

We got Hugh back to his ward and the cafeteria was safe, for a while.

It was a great job. Me and Mel, protecting the walls of the cafeteria against pee.

Yeah, a great job. I really miss it.
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1 comment:

The Nightbreeze said...

Goodness keep the security guards, those noble few who protect us from things that go bump in the night and things that just plain go on the tater tots.