When the Crazy Person on the Bus is You

You know how there's always that one person on the bus who just doesn't seem right? Maybe they rock in their seat or mumble to themselves, or my personal favorite, they strike up an unusually loud and nasal conversation with the bus driver about an embarassing subject, usually involving accidents with bodily fluids. You know the person I'm talking about.

I don't usually take the bus very often, but there was this one time when I was riding home from the mechanic's where I'd left my car. The ride was pleasant enough and there didn't seem to be a crazy person on the bus, which was sort of a disappointment. I was sitting there quietly, waiting for my stop when I noticed a flicker of movement on my chest. I looked down, directly into the eyes of a huge white spider, who had probably been hoping I wouldn't notice her. So of course, I did what any calm, confident male would do in such a situation.

I screamed like a girl.

I leaped up and started beating my chest like an epileptic while yelling, "Damn thing!" The spider vanished and suddenly I realized that everyone on the bus was staring at me like I was crazy. One woman even pulled her daughter closer to her and said, "Don't look, Honey." I knew I wasn't going to get a chance to explain so I just sat down and finished my ride of infamy in red-faced silence.

Spider: One - Crazy Man: Zero

Speaking of buses, there was this other time on the same route, when the bus was empty except for me and an old Italian lady with a load of grocery bags.

Hey! That reminds me of a couple jokes...


What's the difference between an Italian grandmother and an elephant?

Ten pounds and a black dress. (ba-da-boom!)


What's the difference between a tavern and an elephant's fart?

One's a bar-room and the other is a BARROOM! (zing...)


What did the elephant say when he first saw Adam?

How do you breathe through that thing? (ba-dum pshhh!)


Ahem. I digress.

We were approaching our stop so the old Italian lady got up and started shuffling towards the middle door, hands full of bags. I headed for the front door and just as I reached the front handrail something bad happened. One second we were going very fast, then there was a CRUMP noise and suddenly the bus was standing still. I slammed into the windsheild, thankful that it stopped my forward momentum and didn't break. The old lady was not so lucky.

I don't know if you've ever seen an old Italian lady actually fly, but I can assure you it is both hilarious and horrifying. She did a classic Superman, arms out forward, black dress flapping like a cape, in a tornado of bread, pasta, oranges and fresh cilantro. How do I know it was fresh cilantro? Well I stuck around and repacked her groceries while she gave her tearful statement to the authorities. Fortunately she was fine, except for some bruising. Can't say the same for her fruit though.

(It turns out, we hadn't even hit anything. The representative from the bus company explained that the bus blew it's transmission while we were moving. How that can cause a speeding vehicle to suddenly stop is beyond my technical knowledge, but that's what they said.)

Speaking of fruit, the other night I decided to make myself a reading snack. I cut some marbled cheddar and put it on Triscuits, then heated them just until the cheese started to glisten. Perfect. I added some firm green seedless grapes. (See? There's the fruit.) I headed for my reading chair and set the plate down on the handy speaker nearby.

I don't know if it was a trick of the light or if the plate shifted or what but suddenly I thought my plate of snacks was falling off the speaker. All that beautiful cheese headed for the floor! So of course, I did what any calm, confident male would do in such a situation.

Yeah... that's right.

I screamed like a girl.



Tomorrow: Come on Baby, Do the Grandpa Shuffle
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